Sometimes I hate being the bigger person. Every time I have to face a situation, I'd rather not deal with, its like I have no choice. And with being in that position I have became completely vulnerable. Some people call me fake others have called me cocky, but if I wasn't the bigger person in every situation where I've been wrongfully challenged then you would be calling me a bitch. I have always been the type of person to make sure that everyone felt comfortable in uncomfortable situations, like school if you were the new kid then I would want to make you feel welcomed. Why you might ask, because I have been the new odd ball kid in every aspect of my life: the new black kid in a primarily white school, or being the whitest black girl in an all black public summer school program. No one initially came up to me and made sure I felt comfortable, I normally found my way to the nerds who were going to have little or no judgment about me. I could never understand for a long time why I just always had to be so different from everyone else, like why did the black kids laugh at my valley girl talk and the white kids like me only when it was cool to know a black person?
But anyway I sorta lost track... So I know its been a while since if wrote my feelings in detail, but I only write when my emotions allow me to. I feel like I've been living a double life, but being true to what has been installed in me. I've always been a friendly person, but one thing is so hard for me to grasp at times, is why do people shit on the nice guys? Like I've brought people together in friendships, relationships, and even in business, but when it comes to me its as if I never existed nor was I the reason people are together making the very thing they have happen. I was talkin to someone the other day and realized how many "friends" "business associates" I go through, because of their actions, and what makes it worse is I don't like telling people why I don't fuck wit em anymore because they don't deserve an explanation. Its like there is no more loyalty these days and that's something I firmly believe in, the moment I see someone going to the other side I just cut them off because all I have ever done for you is to try to help your situation. In business it is so hard to find a person who's vision is similar that you can share your ideas with and make it grow together. Maybe wanting that is a fantasy, but I'm a loyal person, so I can't see why others aren't. And sometimes I think maybe its me and something I'm doing to make people want to run from me, but what could i possibly do to people. Do you not want someone to share and be excited about your vision and bring it to life? My dream is for all of us to be successful, but its like no one wants to share that.
Its crazy when you get a little status how many people want to knock you down, hurt you, and then try to take your dignity. Sometimes the situations, I face in my relationships with my fiancé, family, friends, and business associates are so unreal, I ask God why am I always getting hurt why am I always get walKed over, why am I being given the short end of the stick? Like why do I have to be the bigger person when deep down I just want to walk away or just sock the shit out em? Like why do I at the end of the day continuously think about the future and the consequences of my actions? Like why do I keep a smile on my face when it hurts or turn the other cheek, when sum1 figuratively slaps me in the face? Like why me, why do I command so much attention, when I do ordinary things, or when it comes to my past why did the things I went through affect my life is much, when others, just kept on walking? Like why doe the saying " to whom much is given much is required" pertain to my life, my questions, my experiences, my pain,m my happiness, my sadness, my vulnerability, ME!!! Why was I chosen to be here, why did I go through all that I went through to stand here today to hurt and be ridiculed, loved, appreciated, and under appreciated? I won't doubt God's purpose, I just hope someone can understand me. Everything happens for a reason, God's timing is always right, but I just wanted to say this.
I know I'm not perfect and I'm trying everyday to be a better person, I just hope that, you would do the same.
If you feel a certain way about this entry please tell me, if you feel compelled to be brave please don't hesitate another second. I've already accepted my position and I don't plan on going anywhere so get with me or please get out of my way.
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Great blog D!! I feel you 150% on this one. The fact of the matter is that unfortunately in today's society Loyalty & Honesty are rare traits that only a few of us still possess. Alot of the questions you posed in this blog I ask myself all the time. Like why am I always the one who has to be the bigger person? But in reality being the bigger person is ingrained in our character. Stooping to the level of the person who wronged you is doing just that, bringing yourself down to their level. There is no need for it. God knows your heart and sees your character. Having the strength to persevere in the face of adversity, and learning something from every experience, whether good or bad, can't help but make you a better person. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I relate to you in many ways and enjoy reading your blog and tweets. Much Love Danielle :) Peace & Blessings ~Gwendolyn~ aka ~@noh8ers4life~
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest, and I know you like many "women" tend to be the rock or pillar for the community of people you keep around you. You are a mother and a nurturer, qualities this masively patriarchal society we live in hasn't developed a full understanding for.
ReplyDeleteI feel you! I've been wresteling with my own position in this life, one cause I'm a lil Loca and it's ever changing... ;) but also being able to be ok with my own vulnreblity. It's tricky. I used to feel as tho I needed to be strong all the time, I always had to hav the answers, and if i didn't then I was a failure, or not fit to survive, not understanding that failure was part of strengthening my ablities not making them weaker.
Now at the onset of adult hood, I'm happy to have the Nerdy Girl Swag, I'm happy to say I have options and have the ablity to navigate through a plethora of social and enconomic settings, the idea and vision of strength has transformed for me. Emotions, although run the risk to be dangerous in the realm of business have their place in stregthening and communitcating with the human spirit.
Thank you for sharing D!!!
God will answer your questions you posed to Him. You may not see it now but it's all apart of His plan and His plan never fails.
ReplyDeleteThis is a challenging time to live an authentic life. It's a time of testing. It's something bigger than us asking "which team are you going to play for?" It's not about being better. It's about helping others to see what it's like to honor, love, and respect yourself so that they will know how to do it when they are ready. It's about focusing on love...inner...outer...other...unconditional...love. Let the wall down so there is one less obstical for yourself and others to make that important connection. It's also knowing the difference between a wall and having firm boundaries that protect yourself and others. It's about you and your connection to your spirit...your essence...your soul. It's about stopping your focus on the struggle and start looking at the path in front of you that has brought you into "being". It's about paying attention to what is important instead of being distracting by what is not. It's about you loving you...connecting with you...living the life you were meant to live. *from another struggling soul to another*
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