Sometimes i really do hate...

Sometimes I hate being the bigger person. Every time I have to face a situation, I'd rather not deal with, its like I have no choice. And with being in that position I have became completely vulnerable. Some people call me fake others have called me cocky, but if I wasn't the bigger person in every situation where I've been wrongfully challenged then you would be calling me a bitch. I have always been the type of person to make sure that everyone felt comfortable in uncomfortable situations, like school if you were the new kid then I would want to make you feel welcomed. Why you might ask, because I have been the new odd ball kid in every aspect of my life: the new black kid in a primarily white school, or being the whitest black girl in an all black public summer school program. No one initially came up to me and made sure I felt comfortable, I normally found my way to the nerds who were going to have little or no judgment about me. I could never understand for a long time why I just always had to be so different from everyone else, like why did the black kids laugh at my valley girl talk and the white kids like me only when it was cool to know a black person?

But anyway I sorta lost track... So I know its been a while since if wrote my feelings in detail, but I only write when my emotions allow me to. I feel like I've been living a double life, but being true to what has been installed in me. I've always been a friendly person, but one thing is so hard for me to grasp at times, is why do people shit on the nice guys? Like I've brought people together in friendships, relationships, and even in business, but when it comes to me its as if I never existed nor was I the reason people are together making the very thing they have happen. I was talkin to someone the other day and realized how many "friends" "business associates" I go through, because of their actions, and what makes it worse is I don't like telling people why I don't fuck wit em anymore because they don't deserve an explanation. Its like there is no more loyalty these days and that's something I firmly believe in, the moment I see someone going to the other side I just cut them off because all I have ever done for you is to try to help your situation. In business it is so hard to find a person who's vision is similar that you can share your ideas with and make it grow together. Maybe wanting that is a fantasy, but I'm a loyal person, so I can't see why others aren't. And sometimes I think maybe its me and something I'm doing to make people want to run from me, but what could i possibly do to people. Do you not want someone to share and be excited about your vision and bring it to life? My dream is for all of us to be successful, but its like no one wants to share that.

Its crazy when you get a little status how many people want to knock you down, hurt you, and then try to take your dignity. Sometimes the situations, I face in my relationships with my fiancé, family, friends, and business associates are so unreal, I ask God why am I always getting hurt why am I always get walKed over, why am I being given the short end of the stick? Like why do I have to be the bigger person when deep down I just want to walk away or just sock the shit out em? Like why do I at the end of the day continuously think about the future and the consequences of my actions? Like why do I keep a smile on my face when it hurts or turn the other cheek, when sum1 figuratively slaps me in the face? Like why me, why do I command so much attention, when I do ordinary things, or when it comes to my past why did the things I went through affect my life is much, when others, just kept on walking? Like why doe the saying " to whom much is given much is required" pertain to my life, my questions, my experiences, my pain,m my happiness, my sadness, my vulnerability, ME!!! Why was I chosen to be here, why did I go through all that I went through to stand here today to hurt and be ridiculed, loved, appreciated, and under appreciated? I won't doubt God's purpose, I just hope someone can understand me. Everything happens for a reason, God's timing is always right, but I just wanted to say this.
I know I'm not perfect and I'm trying everyday to be a better person, I just hope that, you would do the same.

If you feel a certain way about this entry please tell me, if you feel compelled to be brave please don't hesitate another second. I've already accepted my position and I don't plan on going anywhere so get with me or please get out of my way.

"What do i want?"

So I just watched "The women," and I regret not seeing it sooner. It clearly spoke to my personal situations, and in every sense it gave me confirmation, that I AM making the right decisions. A year ago Rich cheated on me and frankly, I never thought it would happen. As stated before in my previous entry, he changed my life for the GREAT. He showed me the world, and taught me so much about many things I am doing & know now. Honestly, I am more successful because of him cheating. His mistake opened his eyes, he realized that 1 selfish decision could cost him everything he worked hard for 4 years and was at the verge of slipping through his fingers forever. And that selfish decision was something I was going to have to make for myself. A question I took away from the movie was " What do I want?" As soon as I heard it and watched Meg Ryan's character go through her transformation of finding herself, I realized I've been going through mine. A year later literally, I know that I do want to be with Rich and be happy with him. He's done any and everything to work it out with me even after a year of bitterness and rejection from me. He taught me a lesson, instead of looking at him as the one who broke my heart, I look at him as the one who made me deal with the wounds. I can now go through the day and be happy with him and finding myself with no more room to hate him. He made me realize what I wanted for myself, in regards to my career, my family life, and my personal life. But don't get me wrong I don't have all of the answers yet, but im much more closer to them then I have ever been. I want to be with him, because through it all he's the only person in my life I have fought within myself to be with and I could never picture my life without him (unless he would do the unspeakable). So im sure of that. As far as my career went I've been sure about it, but I wasn't certain I was making the right strides, but as the doors continuously open, I know that im at the right place at the right time. Personally, "what do I want?" im still working on that. I want happiness, love, and success, but achieving it is a challenge within itself. The one thing I love about myself is that im determined to learn and make a way out of no way. I can thank my parents, for forcing me to learn that, going broke just to ensure a good education, left me with little to work with but my imagination, books, paper, and a pen.